This actually happened:
Last night as my family and I were sitting around the dining room table eating dinner, we were discussing the new school he will be attending. The type of school that has its values written on their brochure and plastered on the halls. And my son Rowdy asks: "What are values?"
Erika looked at me as if to say “you go this one” then I remembered my reading for this post and answered (very proudly) “Values are the beliefs we have that direct our decisions”
Defining the term and passing them along are not coincidently linked. In fact, I would guess many families, of both wealth and not have yet to define their family values much less communicated to their children, even though time after time, “Values” are noted as the most important inheritance parents believe children will receive.
Parents who are clear about the values that matter most to them are also more able to be intentional about passing on those values.
- If you value commitment, maybe requiring kids to stick with something when they are younger, sports, friends, schoolwork
- If you value responsibility, create opportunities for your children to be dependable and accountable
- If you value productivity, creating real life work scenarios may be important.
You may consider that values are not defined through a wealth/not wealthy lense. That many times families without wealth may have more defined and specific values. That belief may be from the gravitational pull that significant wealth attracts. Families of wealth have more opportunities to change mid-course in terms of school sports, club activities and friendship. Removing the cost barrier to changing activity may allow children to hop from one sport to another without fully realizing the benefits.
Dr. Edward Howell in his book “The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness” observes:
"Children must have the opportunity to explore various activities, choose those that are interesting to them, practice them to proficiency or mastery then be recognized, even in small ways for that skill. Affluence may make children more comfortable quitting a sport or music lessons than middle class children would for whom the financial costs of those activities are more meaningful."
A great saying I am taking forward with me in my parenting journey is: Values are Caught, not Taught
Meaning parents should be the values they want to teach, and let the children catch by osmosis. This has excellent side effects as well, as most thoughtful research shows that one of the most important predictions if happiness is the congruence of one’s life with one’s values.
Helpful questions to ask yourself:
- What values di I have when I was younger
- How have these values changed over time?
- What are the values my children hold?
- How are they the same or different?
If as parents, our goal is to have a flourishing family after we are gone, serious attention needs to be paid to human capital, not just financial capital.